Humans are the Most Cruel and Cold Hearted Species

Humans are cruel. Cold hearted. You may think where is this coming from and what the heck am I talking about.

This post may offend some people on my facebook page or even some random people reading this, as parenting styles differ from person to person, but I feel I must share my thoughts on this matter.  This is by no mean targeting specific people. If this does apply to you, I just ask you to try to look at this from a different perspective and understand.

As parents, the more time passes the more people tend to adapt to more cruel parenting styles. People are so worried about " spoiling" their children or making their newborn " independent" or getting the house clean or whatever else it is you justify your reason for doing it that we get caught up in this concept and don't really understand what we are doing.

These parenting styles that are changing are more about pushing our babies away from us, going against our natural mother instinct. Something no other animal or creature even does with their own babies. Why are we so cruel? Why are mother dogs more compassionate and loving to their babies than humans are? This does not make sense in my head.

People CHOOSE to formula feed because they want that independence. They don't want to be attached to baby 24/7 and want to live an independent life still by leaving their babies with other people over night.

People are afraid of holding their babies " too much" because they don't want their newborn to be spoiled.

People expect babies to sleep through the night immediately. And are ready to go to any extremes to make sure that happens. Whether that means feed their baby rice cereal at 2 months and make sure their stomach is " full" so they don't wake up to eat. Not understanding the health risks  that may bring to their babies. Or whether that means letting your baby " cry it out"  because you think they are " whining" or are already spoiled asking for their mama at night.

We are pushing our babies away from each other. Defying our own motherly instinct.

Look at a dog for instance who just had some pups. If she steps away for a minute to eat her food, and all of a sudden one of her pups starts crying. Despite the fact she is hungry or tired she drops everything and runs to her puppy. Motherly instinct. Love. Compassion. Not spoiling her young.

Why  are we so afraid of listening to our own motherly instincts?

Even as adults we do not like to sleep alone. Yet we expect a baby to do so.

As adults when we are so upset and crying hysterically, we would not like to be locked in a dark room alone, or better yet in a cage like crib where we cannot get out. When we are upset we need a loved one to comfort us, yet it is perfectly acceptable to do so to a baby. Does not make sense to me.

All these concepts are all about pushing the baby away from us and expecting baby to be an independent grown up at an early age. We don't understand the psychological and emotional damage it may cause.

Now, I am not afraid to say I am very against crying it out. People may say it works for them after a few nights. And if it does work, it is not because baby has learned to  sleep, it is because baby has learned that mama won't always be there for me. If I am sad, or hungry, or uncomfortable or whatever the reason, if I call mama she won't be there. So there is no point to cry but to be here left alone. This is such a sad thought. The bond and trust is being sacrificed here.

Babies are not evil little creatures that scheme and plan ahead on how to trick their parents. If they are crying they NEED something. Maybe they are hungry, or upset, or hurt, or uncomfortable. Babies can't talk. Crying is their communication, and if we as mothers do not respond to their cries their trust is triggered.

We are so willing to substitute  other objects for ourselves that it does not make sense.

Some mothers are against breastfeeding or extended breastfeeding but rather have baby suck on a pacifier.

Some mothers won't hold their children and rather have them in a carseat or crib or whatever all day.

The list is endless.

I don't have any links for you, I believe this because this is something I just naturally believe in. But if you ever thought about crying it out or other people have told you to do it, or maybe you DO do it, google it and see WHY it is not beneficial to your baby.

Aside of not having the heart to do it, I know as an adult  I would NEVER want to be left alone to cry. It would take a huge emotional toll on me, and I can't imagine how hard it would be  for baby. Especially since they do not understand why the one person they love and look up to is not  there for them.

It can cause dramatic emotional and psychological damage to the baby. Just do your reading on it.

I know I can't change anyone's mind who is already dead set on this. But the least I can do is share my opinion.

Back to the original topic. I just often think to myself, the most vicious animals are more loving and compassionate to their young, than humans are themselves. That is such a sad thought.

Hold your babies, love them, hold them close.

You won't lose your freedom. You are not spoiling them. It won't take a toll on your marriage. These are your babies, and time passes by too quickly. Before you know it, they will be that independent grown up you are so hard striving them to be at newborn age. And when they are, that is when you will regret and miss those sleepless nights of holding your baby.

Don't be harsh, don't be cruel. These are our babies, and they need our love.

RANDOM LIFE UPDATE POST!

What has been going on in my life? My goodness, lots since I last posted a blog post!

Have I completely forgotten and abandoned this blog? Pretty much. But I have reasons guys!!! We started daily VLOGGING. Like on youtube. Every single day we record our life. Pretty crazy huh? Kinda awesome too! We are on day 175!! Pretty crazy right? I know. So for anyone who has been following my blog here and was wondering what has been going on, subscribing to us on youtube would probably be the best way to keep up with us. Plus, you probably get to know us better through there because you kind of see us in person. Makes it a bit personable I’d say.

But life in a nutshell? Well, my baby boy Kassiyan is almost 14 months old. The fact he turned one and has been running around the house lately is an absolute shocker to me. I cannot believe I gave birth to him over a year ago. It is absolutely mind blowing. Everyday with him is such an adventure, and boy does he keep me on my toes. I think this is the stage where it really gets interesting and he is just blossoming into a young boy right before my very eyes. And it is amazing to witness.

What else is going on? Nothing much. I am still breastfeeding and I am still home with Kassiyan. No plans to go back to work. I am attempting in maybe making other things work as far as money. Like our youtube channel. Aside from the beauty itself of vlogging everyday and  having your life recorded and being able to go back and watch- it is also a potential money maker depending how popular we get. So far we are at 370 subscribers and no money out of it yet- but very close to it!

So if interested- go check us out! DAILY VLOGGING CHANNEL!

Another thing I started doing is Essential Oils. I have been wanting to get into using them for a long time. It was the money factor that really held me back. Well, back in July I took the plunge and got the Premium Starter Kit with Young Living oils and LOVE ITTT! And, I am also giving the business end of it a shot. So far? Maybe  not making millions, but I think my first check from Young Living will pretty much cover the cost of the kit which is AWESOME!!

Now, I can go on and talk to you guys about oils for hours, but I won’t. Just a quick life update! We are live, we are well… we are just too busy vlogging on youtube and chasing a toddler. Yikes, he is a TODDLER now. Woah.

Anyway, aside from our dailyvlogging channel I have my own Mommy channel that you should check out as well. MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL

So stay tuned with us there because we have boring days, we have AMAZING days and we have informative videos as well as fun GIVEAWAYS. So make sure to go check it out !!!

Tata for now guys!!! 

Eating Healthier Post Baby!

Now don’t get me wrong, I still eat the occasional processed hot dog and deli meats and what not, my diet isn’t ideal, but I do admit that a lot of things have changed after having my son.

I think the biggest thing that really changed is the dairy free diet that I am on. I do not remember if I have mentioned this yet or not, but little Kassiyan has a dairy and soy (I’m guessing) protein allergy. This was discovered around 6 weeks when I noticed blood in his stool, and of course panicked. I was given the option to either continue eating whatever the heck I want and put him on formula (which was a big NO NO for me) or take all these allergic things out of my diet and continue breastfeeding him.

It was very difficult for me. If you know me, or even remember me as the weird cheese eating girl from high school you KNOW how much I love my dairy. If I could I would give up meat instead. But I am going 5.5 months strong for now and I think the only way I am doing it is thanks to God himself!

Anyway, back to eating healthier. Aside from this specific diet that I was pretty much forced to go on, I’ve been trying my best to eat more fruits, berries, veggies and organic. In all honesty, I would eat 100% organic, but the big thing that really comes down to it is the money. It is pricy!!! And with my husband the only one working, money is a big deal in the family. But luckily since we get assistance from the government we are able to eat healthy here and there and afford to eat organic foods. Hopefully no judgement is passed with this. Don’t picture us eating an organic free-range, cage-free $70 turkey every night, we don’t! But we can occasionally afford a trip to Hannaford or Trader Joes to buy some organic produce.

Speaking of Trader Joes- I LOVE that store! Too bad the closest one to us is in Albany and 1.5 hours away!

The other two things I recently started using pretty much in almost EVERYTHING I cook in is Pink Himalayan Salt and Coconut oil. I probably should specify coconut oil is pretty much used for everything in this house!!!

Also, if I may add- I was weirded out by coconut oil in the beginning. Eating it at least. I don’t like coconuts and didn’t want everything tasting like it. Although it smells like it, it does not give a coconut taste to everything. I even started making delicious vegan homemade chocolate with it!!!

Being on a restricted diet you’re left with small choices to cook with and therefore start experimenting. After hearing a lot about these two and reading up on them, I decided to fully change to them. I haven’t had vegetable oil or olive oil in the house… I don’t even remember how long already. Everything I make that needs oil has coconut oil in it- and I have to say it brings a unique- DELICIOUS- and healthy taste to old foods I’ve always prepared with other oils.

Anything that is delicious and healthy is a big win in my book!

As far as the salt, after reading that the cheap white salt that we consume pretty much lacks all the minerals and vitamins  it originally had, and even has iodine removed from it and then chemically re-added into it- makes you really want to rethink ever using that salt again.

I mean at first I was like- pink salt? Really? I gave it a try and taste wise I couldn’t tell a difference at all. If it tastes the same, and is healthier for you- why not make the switch?

Trying to incorporate more veggies into my diet has also been a great addition. I learned some veggies can be added to old meals and not even make a difference to them taste wise. Like spinach. It is pretty much tasteless if you ask me, but it’s healthy! So cooking it with my favorite shrimp or chicken over pasta is a great way to get some extra iron into your system.

I don’t even know how or when I became so interested in trying to eat healthier, just scary thoughts about what is in the regular meats scares me sometimes. A friend of mine told me do you even know what they inject into chicken breasts? They are much bigger and would never even fit into a chicken the way they are sold because of all the hormones and antibiotics that are injected into them. I mean this is scary! Why do companies do this? Sometimes it just scares me to buy anything at all once I start thinking about all this stuff and that we humans consume it and then are sick with God knows what and have weird hormone imbalance or whatever else. I get scared I can wake up with a 3^rd arm sometimes or an extra finger! I know… maybe  a little bizarre… but still!

Sometimes I wish there was some sort of worry free store existent. Where you can go and shop freely without reading the labels or nutrition facts and just be sure that what you are buying is healthy and antibiotic free!

Little baby steps have been taken. Some by force, some by pure fear… but hoping we can fully eat organic one day if money permits.

Also, I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but I have noticed I have been sick less. I am usually sick 24/7 during the winter and have only been sick 2ce so far and one of the times not even that badly. It could be the post partum diet! Or I know some women say after giving birth they seem to be healthier! Maybe my own breastmilk is boosting my immune system. Who knows!

I still have my thyroid issue and still have tummy issues though, so I can’t brag completely. I recently found out that amber can help regulate your thyroid so maybe that will be taken care of soon! Kind of anxious to see my thyroid levels at my next blood work appt, which should be sometime this month. I’m also having my colonoscopy – the long awaited one that was postponed because I found out I was pregnant 3 days before my originally scheduled on- this Friday. So hopefully some answers at least will be given there.

Kind of went off on a tangent there. Anyway, point is…I think becoming a mom has made me more aware of the foods and drugs I or anyone for that matter ingest and more paranoid therefore I’ve taken these changes. I’m kind of glad Kassiyan has been purely breastfed up until recently,  but even that 90% of his nutrition is me so I don’t have to go crazy about what he eats just yet. But even when I did let him try a banana or avocado, I make sure it’s organic. These sneaky companies won’t list all the nasty things they add to your veggies, so better safe to go organic.

With that said, I have been very open to different recipes and health alternatives. So if anyone has any healthy, delicious or useful recommendations- please share! I am all open to try everything. I may or may not like everything I try, but willing to try an effort to create a healthier eating lifestyle for myself and my family!

And lastly, I just have to say I have not exercised one single day after giving birth and I am currently 5 pounds LESS than I was pre-pregnancy! Could it be the dairy-free diet? Or maybe the coconut oil that boosts metabolism and promotes weight loss? The world may never know I guess!

6.5 Month Random Update!

I am SUCH a lazy blogger, and I hate it. I have been blogging in my head almost every day thinking about the moment I will finally have the time to sit down and write a blog post and I never do. Can I just tell you how many times I have sat down to write the cloth diapering post I have been wanting to write for- well… forever? More than a handful of times and I think I have a draft emailed to myself somewhere. Gosh….Facebooking from my phone is easy, it takes a few seconds and can do it one handedly, and go on with my daily duties… blogging just seems so much more serious and time consuming that I never have a chance. If only I could telepathically blog…

And here is to hoping that this quick post will be able to get finished before my little one wakes up.

Kassiyan is now 6.5 months old. Actually he turns 7 MONTHS in 8 days! How insane is this? How fast is time flying? I can’t handle this!

It is so crazy how when I was pregnant time just dragged on, every day, and every minute was just dragging and I wanted to have my baby already! Now that he is here, time is just swooshing by me… almost making up for dragging on so much during the pregnancy. And I just cannot keep up.

Kassiyan has reached so many new milestones within the last 1.5 months that just make me want to hold him tighter every day and cherish the little man he is now before he grows up too fast.

Well, to start off he has 2 bottom teeth now! He got them at 5.5 months, one broke through on a Saturday and the other one broke through on a Monday or Tuesday after that, so they pretty much came out at the same time. Simultaneously, he started sitting up on his own, which I was very worried about him NOT doing.  I was just on a high of so many excited emotions! I was psyched for him to have ONE tooth; all of a sudden he is sitting up, and next thing I know he has a second tooth! I was just like- woahhh- baby slow down!!!

Also we have started introducing other foods to Kassiyan. I am still very uncertain with how I want to do this so I have been just “going with the flow”- pretty much how I have been doing everything with him. He has been tasting many different things and can definitely see that he loves it. Now even when I am eating whatever, he understands that Mama is holding a plate with a spoon/fork and that is food that can be tasted and always reaches for everything now.

He just amazes me every day. He gets smarter and more clever with every minute and Mama and Papa just cannot get enough of him!

I am really hoping to start finding more time to post and share all the wonderful things I am experiencing with my baby, but cannot make any promises!

But for now, here are some pictures!!!

                                      This was from his 6 month picture! Notice the little teeth poking out!

                                                         A few of our Christmas Pictures!

                                                           This morning! Our oatmeal face!

And check this VIDEO out! Kassiyanchik has learned to move around in his walker!!!

Cosleepin’, Breastfeedin’, Cloth Diaperin’ Mama? Part one : Breastfeeding.

Yes, that’s me! I don’t like to give myself titles, but that sounds like a very fun title for this post. And the funniest thing is, some people plan ahead how they expect to parent and do certain things. That is not how it happened for me. I had different thoughts in my head, but all in all I just asked questions, listened to some advice and pretty much followed my instincts.

Let’s start with the most basic and obvious thing here. Breastfeeding. Yes, this I knew I wanted to do and in all honesty this shouldn’t even be discussed. I feel very strongly about this topic and probably can go on and on about this. But let’s try to keep it short and sweet.

Breastfeeding- It’s what you are supposed to do!!! I apologize in advance if I offend anyone with my opinions here. After all this is my blog and I think I can freely voice my opinions on here. If you don’t like them no one is asking you to continue reading- just sayin’! Anyway… yes- it is what you are supposed to do! I DO NOT understand those moms who just decide to put their kids on formula because it is easier for them or because they don’t like it or whatever other reason. Really? You don’t like it? I don’t think anyone particular LIKES to be in labor, but it is what you are supposed to do to have a baby right? And in all honesty, I think the minute you become a parent, your own personal likes and dislikes should not be number one if they don’t coincide with your babies needs.

I understand those moms whose supply drops or for whatever reason they aren’t able to breastfeed. I understand that. I especially have sympathy for those who try everything they can to keep their supply up and to breastfeed their babies as long as possible. Yes! This is what mamas are supposed to do!

When I was pregnant people would ask me if I would breastfeed or not. Seriously that questioned always baffled me. That society has come to the point where moms actually have a preference nowadays. And even when I would answer of course… some people would say “ well, you never know, your baby might not latch on.” I think my breastfeeding journey started out very easy. Compared to some incidences I have heard. Kassiyan was able to latch on immediately, he is eating very well and happy and so far my supply is flowing (literally)! But if for whatever reason let’s say Kassiyan wouldn’t have latched on, I would have pumped and gave him bm. And tried again with the breast. And again and again if needed. I would have done everything I could have to give him the milk that he needs as a baby as opposed to jumping to formula right away. Bottom line is- breastfeeding is the way to go and for moms who think otherwise, I just simply do not understand you.

Breastfeeding in public. I think this is personally not that big of a deal, who does what… it depends on personal comfort levels. I think in the very beginning I was very shy of feeding in front of people or in public. Instead of putting myself in an uncomfortable position to go into the car or find a place to feed I sometimes (this is in the way beginning, I don’t even remember the last time I pumped) pumped milk to bring with me. In all honesty, it is truly just beyond simple to go with the flow with everything. He’s hungry- you pull out a boob, no bottle nothing. If I’m at a zoo, I’m at a zoo! If I’m at the park, well then I’m at the park! I think the only place that I don’t really have this “I don’t care” attitude is in church. And honestly it’s because it is a monastery and there are monks there. We have a dress code as is to wear a head covering and a dress/skirt below the knees. As pro breastfeeding as I am , this is more about respecting my religion as well as the monks. So in that case I would go to the car to feed, or the downstairs church in a little corner where no one is around.  I’ve come to learn to wear a tank top underneath and then can wear another t-shirt on top or whatever and be able to feed without showing much.  Fast and convenient. I think if I don’t stress then no one else stresses. And so far I have not come across any rude or obnoxious people that have said anything otherwise to me feeding. Then again, I don’t go out much, I stay home all the time :)

That pretty much sums up my little breastfeeding rant! I am all for it and honestly don’t see it any other way!

I also don’t see a time frame on feeding. I will feed until I have milk. If this means 2 years then it is 2 years, if this means more that means more. Although I think by then we may have another baby on the way so things may work out on their own ;) But if I have to “tandem feed” a term I actually only heard of yesterday- then so be it! This is the good stuff and might as well use while you have it!

4 Month Update

Wow this girl still remembers how to blog? Believe me, I’m shocked myself. I believe my last post was at 6 weeks post partum? And today my little man is 4 months old. WOW. Talk about being a procrastinator. I guess things are different now… pretty much how I expected them to be when I was pregnant.

When I was pregnant it was just pretty much me and my big growing belly. Every day would drag. I would look at the calendar, count the days, hours and minutes even… til he would be here. There wouldn’t be much to do other than wait and be on the clock with my blog posts. Now, Kassiyanchik is here and my whole world is a lot more interesting!

In my head I have pretty much posted 10 different blog posts about different thoughts, feelings and topics. But of course, that doesn’t count does it?

I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s just sum up where we are today. I am officially now not working and my days are spent solely concentrating on my son. Co-sleeping, breastfeeding and cloth diapering my little baby. Both of us can’t possibly be happier :)

I was originally working at 3 weeks pp, yeah that soon, ha. But I was able to do it from home. I was doing bookkeeping stuff for the store that I worked at. It was nice, since I only made trips to the store 1-3 times a week to pick up and drop off more paperwork. Sometimes my boss would even make the trip himself. Sounds like the perfect solution to work from home, huh?

I thought I could handle it. Some might consider me a wuss, but it was just not worth it. The summer was very busy and doing paperwork for 5-6 stores I was just not keeping up. Every free moment I had… instead of taking a nap or cooking dinner or just cuddling with my boy I would rush to get some paperwork done. And I would not get everything done. Slowly things would just add on and add on and YIKES!

So pretty much I was stressing about getting everything done as soon as possible, stressing & stressing and all for what? For about $30-$50 a week. In all honesty, I rather give up that extra $30 a week for a nap and to feel somewhat human after a long night. Now that the pressure is off I am sincerely happy and feel somewhat set free!

Kassiyan is so big now. Watching him grow and change every day is so interesting! He just doesn’t cease to amaze me with new things everyday. He is 4 months old today, fitting into 6-9 months clothing, and has been very vocal lately. It is SO adorable.

We actually started up a “family” youtube channel recently. My previous ones were absolute fails, but now we are trying once again. Not much on there but slowly I have been posting my own videos of our son and my husband just posts some random videos on his own there. So check it out if you’d like. I will post a link to one of Kassiyan’s videos below.

There is so much more I want to say but I think making separate posts for them would be much appropriate. In that case I will sum up this post by posting of course an adorable picture of our little munchkin! <3

VIDEO OF KASSIYAN

My Birth Story: Welcome to the World Kassiyan Poznyak!

Well, it has been a while! I have not forgotten about my blog. My hands have just been *literally* full lately. As you can guess since I haven’t had any more pregnancy updates I obviously had our little bundle of joy, Kassiyanchik. Boy, I have lots to say but the first post I want to make is my labor story. 5 Weeks pp and counting and I still haven’t gotten a chance to sit down and share it on here. I actually started writing it I think 2 weeks pp, but then my laptop screen broke so now I can’t even continue off of that and have to start all over again! Oh boy!

Anyway, to try to get this done in one sitting, let’s cut to the chase. It was a very difficult labor. And I am not just saying that because this is my first baby and all that but it was not your typical labor experience that is for sure.

It all started on June 16- it was a Sunday. I started having really bad pressure/bone pain. Which I remember at that point I had those pains constantly but if I were to lay down or take a bath I would be able to find some comforting position. Not this time. I couldn’t walk, sit or lay. I remember hubby and I actually set up our big computer monitor in our bedroom that day to watch the Hangover 2, and I just could not find a comfortable place in bed.

On top of that my whole body started aching, and I started to feel like I was getting a fever. I took a bath, got out of the bath and that didn’t help with anything. After that I could feel I actually was burning up, and had a fever of 102.3 I believe. I took Tylenol and laid in bed thinking about what on earth could be happening. I don’t have a cold and was thinking of whether or not to call the hospital or not. It was Sunday night and I remember being the most concerned about making hubby go with me. If it wasn’t a big deal he would spend all night in the hospital with me and then have to wake up at 6 to go to work. After thinking it over I called the hospital.

At that point, the fever dropped immediately after the Tylenol and I even felt silly calling. But the hospital told me since I have a fever and being 39 weeks already that I should come in anyway just in case. We packed everything with us this time. Because when we went to the hospital back at 18 weeks for the kidney infection we thought we would come back that same night and didn’t bring anything with us and stayed there for about 4 days I believe. So this time we took everything- just in case I would stay or even have to stay to have the baby we took everything. But both of us for some reason had this feeling that the fact that we were actually prepared that nothing would happen this time.

Anyway, getting to the hospital we were under Dr. Graham’s care, the doctor that I really liked last time we were there during my kidney infection. His first guess to what was going on was that I was having another kidney infection again. He said I was prone to another one more likely since I already had one. So they took my blood and urine. Urine came back clear, but my blood showed a high white blood cell count basically showing that there is some sort of infection in my body. He said it would be very difficult to figure out what is exactly going on, it could be a variety of things, but he said it was definitely pregnancy related and that the cure at this point was to get baby out. They didn’t even really offer the option of an induction but more so said IT HAS to be done at this point.

I was happy that finally I was going to have our baby but was very nervous about ending up in a C-section. That was the one thing I wanted to avoid. And I told him my concern, and knowing I was only 1cm dilated and a lot of women who aren’t ready most likely won’t progress and therefore will have a C-section. He told me that is not the case and said that he does not expect me to have a c section and he himself wants to avoid one, but I should not think that it will not happen because you never know what to expect. I mean at this point what was I going to do? I had some sort of infection going on and baby had to come out!

I did ask him about Cervadil though. A friend of mine mentioned it to me a few weeks prior, that sometimes it is more effective to start Cervadil before Pitocin because it can help open up and soften the cervix a little more. Dr. Graham agreed with me and instead of starting me on Pitocin right away we tried the Cervadil first. It was just inserted and kept in there for 12 hours. So it they started me on it at midnight Sunday onto Monday. That started contractions for me, and closer to the 12 hours my water broke. But when they checked me at noon on Monday I was still only 1cm dilated. So they started the Pitocin. Contractions slowly started to get more frequent and a little stronger. I don’t exactly remember when they got pretty bad, but when they did that is when I started screaming. It was BAD!  So for 8 hours of screaming (from 12 -8pm) they checked me and I was only 2cm dilated. At that point I remember I was SO sure I was so close to pushing and that I did such a good job without needing or asking for an epidural! But when they told me I was only 2cm I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it through another 8 cm. So I caved in.

The midwife came in who was on duty ( Michele Rhude) and asked “ Oh, you’re feeling crampy?” I remember thinking to myself this is much more than crampy! I wouldn’t be screaming if I was just feeling crampy for goodness sake! Anyway, she recommended giving me some sort of other pain relief meds that would be given via IV to me and see if that works first. At that point I didn’t care; I wanted something to help because I was just beyond exhausted from the pain and from screaming.

Well, whatever they gave me, I literally passed out 2 mins later! I remember vaguely starting to fade away and told Zhenya “I am about to be knocked out- don’t ask me any serious questions, I can’t answer them.” LOL I passed out for 1.5 hours at 9:30 pm, woke up feeling very drowsy still but feeling those intense contractions again- screaming. So they started prepping me for an epidural. This was something, since they had to give me the whole talk about all the side effects and with me screaming every 5 minutes they had to do it with pauses. Also sticking the needle in me I had to be perfectly still and it was impossible to do when I was having painful contractions.

This is also when Hubby almost passed out. I was sitting on the edge of the bed my arms around my husband’s neck and me basically screaming in his face and grabbing him very tightly with each contraction. At this point they are in detail describing how I have to poke out my spine so they can insert the needle in between specific bones. Hubby is hearing all this, also seeing the huge needle (he is very queasy around needles, and I am kind of glad I didn’t see it lol) and I am screaming in his face he is just hot and starts feeling very lightheaded. Right after the IV pain med they gave me I was in a dream almost and remember things in pieces. They called another nurse up for back up and put him on a chair and gave him juice, LOL.

Anyway, the epidural was in, and I don’t really remember it hurting as much (going in that is.) I think it was because I had other pain that was bothering me and also I was just so out of it at that point. After the epidural kicked in I passed out for the night. I wake up at 5am because my one side was no longer numb, they told me it works with gravity sometimes to turn over to the other side and it could help- but I couldn’t really move with being numb so I needed help with that, lol. Anyway, they checked me and I was 7cm dilated! For 24 hours I only opened 1cm and all of a sudden after a few hours so much progression. Some people say if you are tense and stressed you won’t get anywhere, but if you are calm the more likely it is that you will progress. I think when my body finally got a break and I actually slept that is when the most progression happened.

Oh, I forgot to mention, the whole time I was at the hospital I didn’t have my fever return even once (until I started pushing.) I was also on antibiotics the whole time I was there. 1- for my infection, and 2- Group B strep. So at about 8:30am on Tuesday they checked me and I was fully open and ready to push. At this point my left side was no longer numb and I could feel pain and contractions, but it was tolerable. Pushing felt silly because it was like I was pushing to poop but nothing was coming out.

After a little bit, the pain and contractions started to get more painful that I started screaming again. This was the peak of pain I was in. I was in so much pain that I was hysterical- I couldn’t even push with the contractions anymore because it was so painful. I was crying, ripping my hairs out, scratching myself, I didn’t know what to do with myself. And everyone was just in my face. I had my husband holding my left leg, a nurse holding my right leg, a midwife and a doctor and another nurse all staring and yelling at me. “This is YOUR baby!” “You need to PUSH” “Listen to me!” “Stop screaming!” “Calm down!” “Look at me!” Just repeating the same stuff over and over again. And the fact was I completely understood that I had to come down, I know it is my baby- my goodness! I know I have to push- but I didn’t have the words or energy to explain to them in how much pain I was in and all I could come out with saying was “ I can’t” and “It hurts!” I was begging for some relief, because I legit couldn’t even push. The midwife kept saying how she doesn’t recommend me to get anything so I can feel the contractions I told her I will push I will do whatever I need to I just need some sort of relief, so they finally agreed and called some nurse to get me something.

At this point, everything started to go wrong. My fever was back again, I was at 103. Baby’s heart rate started dropping, I literally could not fight through myself to push, and baby’s head was right there already. They started prepping a room up for a C-section already. I remember feeling so sad and hopeless at that point, and I remember my husband trying to tell them NO C section. By some miracle- truly a miracle… the nurse came and gave me something in my IV again. And the pain wasn’t as bad, it was still very painful but I was able to push! So I started pushing again with all my might. Baby’s head would come out and then get sucked back in, so they took out the Vacuum. I remember my husband seeing the head and being so excited and trying to encourage me to continue pushing (which I was surprised because he usually gets queasy at these things.) They ended up using a vacuum and giving me an episiotomy but by some miracle our little baby boy came out! 8 lbs 11 ounces, 20 inches of pure joy! Our little Kassiyanchik! 34.5 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing, born at 10:29 am on June 18!

They ended up then telling me that I had an infection of the amniotic fluid- Corio. Therefore both baby and I will need antibiotics after labor. Poor baby had an IV as well :(

Regardless, we were able to avoid the c section, thank God. I was put on a cathadar and apparently I was so swollen down there one nurse could not find my urethra. She poked around in there- and that was so painful that I was screaming again :/ She had to call another nurse and 2 nurses were poking around to find my urethra as I was screaming from pain. Oh boy.

Anyway, that is all over, but that was my wonderful birth story… main point is our little miracle is finally here and we couldn’t be any happier.

Belly Shot: 38 Weeks!

Oh boy! 38 weeks... 2 weeks til the due date... or sooner or later.... but nearing the end! Can't wait for this baby to get here already. Aside from just being done pregnant I just want my little boy with us already to snuggle and love and what not.

Anywho.... here is the belly shot...